I love her jewelry!  It is soooooooooo pretty!  Here is a link where you could possible win a gift certificate for it! 

http://thebilberrys.blogspot.com/

Wacky Wednesday

Why is it "wacky"....I don't know....just thought it sounded good! LOL!!!

My week is going well. 15 pounds have been shed!!! There is definetly a noticable difference. I asked James to take a picture of me before Paige and I went on our 1.56 mile run (well run/walk in 1 minute intervals). Paige is the best little running partner...she makes me not quit because if she doesn't quit being that she is only 5 then I can't quit either. When I got back and cooled down I pulled a pic up from awhile ago and compared it to what I am now. I am sooooooo happy!! The thing that I love the best is that I don't really miss the things that I used to eat. Sure I love the pizza...but do I love the way it makes me feel or the fat that I will be consuming? No...and that is what I remember when I think "oh there a pizza place" or something else that is unhealthy. Does that mean that I don't have little things here and there? Nope...I still do. We went to Ritas the other night as a treat for Paige since she ran 1.4 miles with James. I got a small ice and only ate half. I got my taste of sweet. I have also been eating fruit leather in the afternoon to satisfy my afternoon sweet craving. It seems to be doing its trick. The hard time for me is when I am driving. Then I am wanting some candy or something. I tackle that day by day.

I am hoping and praying that I can get the next 5 lbs off before Disney. We leave one month from today. We will see what happens.

The more I think about the stuff that we as a nation eat...the more I am saddened. All the processed foods and junk that is out there...it is a form of abuse to the nation. We wonder why the countries obesity level is going up and up and up well it is partly because the amount of crap that is sold to the nation is going up and up and up. Time to quit the junk. There are substitutes for those things that you feel that you need. Craving sweet---eat some fruit(even if dried). Craving something salty have some nuts. Craving something crunchy---vegetables or some wheat crackers. Etc..etc..etc...

Anywho---I am off my soapbox for now. Hope you are doing well this week. Tonight is Paiges swim lessons and then the trip to Mc Donalds. I get a Happy Meal for Paige and Connor and one for myself. They get cheeseburgers and I get a hamburger. I also only get them with apples and chocolate milk. I don't drink the chocolate milk---save it for the kids. That is my little taste of fast food and meat. I drink water with it---oh and I have been making tea in my nalgene---todays tea is iced chai--with no sweetener in it---IT IS SO GOOD!!!

Okay okay---I am done---I promise.............well for now. Hope you have a great rest of the week!

Oh and I put the before and after below.

Jen
                                                              Picture before:

Now

Tasty Thursday!

So...it's Thursday. One more day til the weekend! Whoo hoo! So, this week has been a struggle with weight because I kind of plateaued with the weight loss. I also haven't been as strict with my eating. The good news is that I haven't gained....I am going to focus on that. So....upping the exercise and getting back on track with the eating---more focus and less cheating! I have also decided that now that I am about 3 weeks free of sodas that I am going to try and basically give up the Starbucks---I am going to keep it open to weekends, though. I can't cut everything out that I loved!

This evening the kids and I went for a 2.3 mile walk to Ritas and back (2.3 miles total). It was nice to have something to do in the middle with a little something yummy. It also kept the kids motivated to make the long trek (long for them). It was enjoyable. For those who know Paige and the fact that she DOES NOT watch where she is going---she did not fall at all. That is huge. Connor was A MESS when we got home. I let him feed himself his italian ice. Thank goodness it was bath night!!! Sticky sticky sticky!!

Anywho--refocused. Weekend ahead! Time to get moving in more ways than one!! Have a good night everyone!

Catching Up

So....I have had a few posts in the tank but have never published them! How is it going? Pretty well....getting back on track slowly yet surely. Hey--it took all these years to do the damage and as much as I want to snap my fingers and have it all better it just doesn't happen that way!

How is the diet going? Very well. I mean I have my days that I cheat a little and I didn't eat the best over the weekend, but overall I am doing well and I can tell a difference. I think I am 14 down which is GREAT. At every moment at work whether I am standing or sitting I am doing some kind of exercise. I have started this weird thing that every time I go into the bathroom (private bathroom)--before I come out I will do a rep of something---50 mountain climbers, 50 lunges, something! Being that I am going to the bathroom A LOT because of all the water I am drinking--that is a lot of exercise! LOL!! I actually really enjoy doing all the exercises. I would rather be doing calf lifts while I am standing handing food out to the homeless than just standing there not burning any calories and not toning up! I have been speed walking at lunch instead of running since my knee was really hurting...although we got knee braces this weekend so hopefully this will get better. We will see!!

The kids are doing well. Connor had his 2nd bday party over the weekend and then we had a nice family day of going to the movies and running to different organic markets! Our conversations usually revolve around Disney Disney and more Disney! I am so so so excited to go!!

Back to pretending that I am watching Dancing With The Stars with Paige!!

Jen

10 down 40 to go!

Hey there! Sorry it has been a few days. Quick catch up. Had a nice weekend. Took the kids to my nephews for his 5th birthday party and then home. Sunday we had a nice outside breakfast in Reisterstown and then spent the day cleaning/gardening/grilling. It was nice...with a nice nap in between. I also ran 1.5 miles on Sunday around the neighborhood.

Still taking my Zoloft daily although it makes me feel pretty crappy---some days more than others. Like today for example...I was fine (well a manageable level of nauseousness) until I had some pizza. It was all down hill from there. Even the thought of food or drink makes me want to toss it. It also makes me really really tired. There is so much I want to get done....but I have also come to the realization that I need to let this medication get in my system and level off and then I will be able to get everything done. I have to listen to my body on this one and the rest will follow. The symptoms have been getting better but as I said some days are better than others.

Besides the after pizza time I had a good day. My thinking is clearer and so much more positive. I worry less and less about the little things and focus on the things that I can change. Isn't that how it is supposed to be.

The best news came when I went to the doctor today and low and behold I am 10 lbs down from about 3 weeks ago. I have lost 20% of the amount of weight that I want to lose. That is AWESOME and I am pretty proud of that fact. I have been exercising at work when I get a free moment here and there. Little bits of time add up to a large chunk of time.

I am getting so excited for Disney and so excited to spend this time with family in which we can all strengthen our relationships and have so much fun! I hope that it turns out as I hope!

Love to you all! Remember to think positive and tomorrow is another day when you can try harder to be better!!

Friday Fun

Happy Friday!!!! Whoo Hooo!

I made the decision last night that I was going to run at work today. I mapped out a 1.5 mile route which had me stopping at Subway about 3/4 the way through and picking up lunch. So, I grabbed my stuff and went to work and was able to complete my mission! I am so proud of myself. It wasn't nearly as hard as I feared it would be and the clients who would run parts of it with me when they saw me running made it interesting and they were a great distraction. The biggest thing is that I set my mind to doing it and I did it...I didn't over think it...I JUST DID IT!!

Side note: haven't been feeling hot since I started the zoloft...but I remember this happening before when I was on it. Makes me REALLY REALLY tired about 30 minutes after I take it and then for the rest of the day I am SOOOOOOOOOOOOO nauseous! UGH! I know I will get used to it which makes it dealable and I know that I need it so there you go!

Tomorrow I am off to see the blood suckers....I mean blood takers.....I mean the lab to get tested for all types of lymph node stuff including possible lymphoma. Then off to get a birthday present and do some cleaning. Then onto my nephews bday party. Going to talk with my aunt and cousin about the baby shower for my other cousin. Fun times! James is staying home to be "SUPER GARDENER"---defender of spades and killer of weeds!

Anyway---this week is ending much better than it started. It feels so good to finish something that I started and put my mind to. I hope that this is one of many. Have a great weekend everyone and we will chat soon!!

Thursday....One more day til the weekend!

Hi all! It is Thursday. I decided I would weigh in today and was 6 lbs down since my doctors appt two weeks ago. LOVE IT! My new shoes came yesterday....so will most likely try them tonight. I am hoping that besides getting me in shape that the running will speed up the weight loss. We shall see!

So, how am doing? Better. I did restart the zoloft. I feel that it was a good choice for me and my stupid hormones. James and I have been really talking and the kids are doing well. The big spring cleaning project is trucking along as the garbage men and the recipients of all the clothing can attest to! Motivation is still alive and kicking (although I am tired). I think that taking all these meds is taking a little toll--especially adding the new one.

Anyway, thanks for hanging in through the good and the bad!! Love to you all!

Too give space or not to give space....how to do it is the question

I need to give space. Space. That is such a small 5 letter word but is something so hard to do. I am insecure....I like to do what I can to feel secure. That need can lead to one feeling overwhelmingly smothered or something.

I want to get better people....I do. How do I do it? What point to I start with? Do I start with the childhood or move on to adult life? Can't I just flick a switch? Please? It was so easy to make the damage...why is it soooooooooo hard to fix it? I feel a call coming into Ann tomorrow to see if she can meet with me. I am confused. Seperate my thoughts is what I am supposed to do.....focus on the one thought at a time and figure out the emotions behind it and whether they are warranted. So many thoughts...feelings. Ugh.

This is what I will do daily. I will smile. I will. I will remember that I am a nice person with a lot of good qualities. I will be the best Mom that I can. I will give James what he needs in the hopes that on the flip side I can show him the love that I have for him. I will go problem to problem...moment to moment and deal with them.

Here is what I will not do. I will not let this ever building anxiety take the control that it so wants to. I will not make the insecurities that I have make myself feel unloved. I am loved. Remember that, Jen.

Jen---this is to you so pay attention. YOU ARE LOVED. YOU ARE GOOD. YOU ARE WORTHY OF LOVE. Did you read that? Okay...good!!

As you can see it is a struggling day. I have had A LOT of anxiety---so much so that I have thought about my Zoloft to get me through. ANXIETY is AWFUL but letting it ruin your life is worse! I said in my first post that I would be posting about my struggles---today is one of those days.

Stay tuned people. Oh and remember you are loved!

Whoo Hooo

Hi all. I will update later about the day, but the big news is that I just ordered my first pair of running shoes!! In two days (roughly) they should be here and I should be on my way to greatness....okay not so much...on my way to feeling better physically. Anyway--Happy Easter! Talk to you later!

Saturday Situations

Hello again. How are you? We had a pretty busy and semi-relaxing day. It started out with me going to see the immunologist. I have a swollen lymph node at the base of my neck/skull. I am pretty worried about it because about 2 weeks ago it swelled up and really hurt. He said that I will most likely get it removed if it does not go all the way down. He gave me a script for a z-pak and a slip for some blood work. We shall see.

James (yes I know you are reading this James)feels strongly that I need to get a second opinion. We came to blows over this. When James feels passionate about something he can push the issue while sometimes (okay most of the time) I end up getting defensive. I trust my docs but once I took time to think, I realized that if my condition is so serious then why isn't it being treated seriously? So---I am going to work on finding a specialist at Hopkins or something.

We took Connor to get his hair cut (he looks super cute) and then went to a garden center, lunch, Roots organic market, and Lowes. Oh big news! I had a good idea for the garden! Whoo hoo!!

Of course while at Lowes I had stomach issues but while dealing with that I realized that I can be a pain---frustrating and everything that goes along with it. I immediately went and apologized to James, because he deserves the apology. Why am I such a pain? Lots of crap----getting defensive, not giving my opinion, not living up to who I want to be, etc....Do I want to be a pain? Hell no.....but I know that it would be unrealistic for me to say that I will never be a pain. I mean...come on...all the therapy in the world won't take that away! LOL.

I think that every Sunday I am going to make a weekly to do list and put it on here. It makes it there---out in the open and is a physical reminder of what I am trying to accomplish--both internally and externally. Hmmmm....that's a good idea.

Anywho---rambling once again!! Tomorrow is Easter....going to go and get Paige and then taking them up to my parents for dinner and an Easter Egg hunt. Happy Easter to you all!

Hi everyone! Welcome. This is my first post on my first blog! I am a blog virgin so to speak.

I am going to use this blog to share about life, love, dreams, and realities. There is so much in my past that is affecting my present and future so as I work through that I will be sharing those struggles, the moments of clarity that come as a result, the pain, and the hope. I hope that you will come along for the ride!

So--let's start with today. Today was an okay day...on and off. Isn't that how it always is? Started out good...with my mom calling to tell me that Connor came up to her saying "I pooped". It kept a smile on my face and kept me from worrying about the surgery I was supposed to have today. Yeah..I said supposed. I got to the docs office to have a cyst removed from the back of my head/neck and he decided that it wasn't a cyst---it was a lymph node. After giving me a nice massage---well I am sure that it wasn't supposed to be that but he was feeling around the back of my head, neck, and shoulders to feel for more anomalies---he went and asked another doc about what he should do. Apparently they both concurred and decided that the lymph being enlarged and painful is a result of my stupid immunological disorder. So sick of this. Meds, shots, and now this? I really wanted to beg him to take it out...just to have something done!! Oh well. Such is life. I did make an appt with the immunological doc for Saturday. HAPPY WEEKEND! WHOO HOO! LOL.

Well....that was the big thing of the day. Rest was kids, swim lessons, dinner, and a nice family walk. Oh...and did I mention that I hurt my hand/wrist. James things that I sprained it or something. A few days ago I hurt it and had a nice size welt right below my wrist (on my hand)....but my pointer and middle fingers are hurting now and it is quite swollen and hard to grasp things. Oh joy! LOL. I wish it was NOT my primary hand.

Tomorrow is Connors big birthday---2nd! WHOO HOO! I can't believe that he is 2! I would say he is a big boy...but he isn't! He can still wear some 6-12 month pants!

Anyway--rambling! Welcome to my first post! I hope you come along for the ride!